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Thread: Conversations with my roommate

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    Default Conversations with my roommate

    On the first of this month I made one of the bigger mistakes of my life by getting a place with my friend Lindsay. We've messed around quite a bit when we were drunk, but for the most part our relationship is platonic. She's only 22 but she has a 3-year-old daugther and is currently about 8 weeks pregnant with another kid (not mine), and I'm not looking forward to that. But we get along really well despite how these logs make it seem.

    Since my supervisors frown on personal phone calls during work, we use Blackberry IM to communicate during the day. Here are some logs from some of our more interesting conversations.

    Christmas presents, part 1:

    Lindsay: Hey wake up mf
    James: Hi
    Lindsay: Hello there I am feeling sooo much better I'm going to see if ada will watch kk for a while so we can go
    James: Go where
    Lindsay: Shopping for stuff we need
    Lindsay: We talked about this last nite remember
    James: Ok
    Lindsay: Wow u were typing for a long time and that's all u said
    James: I was typing something else
    Lindsay: Well what
    James: If I wanted to say it I would've finished typing it
    Lindsay: F u and did u get the check sent off
    James: Yes
    Lindsay: K so what were u going to say
    James: Don't worry about it
    Lindsay: I will worry about it ****er what were u going to say
    Lindsay: Were u going to call me a bitch
    James: Yes
    Lindsay: No u weren't
    James: You're a stupid bitch and I hope you drown in the blood of your own child
    Lindsay: Wow that was a little much don't u think
    James: Well you wanted to know
    Lindsay: That's not what u were really typing common tell me
    James: I don't even remember now it wasn't important
    Lindsay: Ok well what do u want for christmas
    James: A steak and a blowjob
    Lindsay: Well I can do neither right now because I'm prego so what else do u want
    James: Um how does being pregnant hinder your steak cooking and head giving abilities
    Lindsay: Because both raw meat and penises make me want to vomit I don't even want to have sex nemore its disgusting
    James: Well this is a serious problem for me so you're going to have to work on that
    Lindsay: I know I'm sorry but what else do u want
    Lindsay: And what r u getting me
    James: I don't know and I don't know
    Lindsay: Well think of something
    James: What do you want
    Lindsay: U can lick my twat
    James: Well that's cheap I suppose
    Lindsay: No that's not what I want for christmas I'm just saying u can do it
    James: Oh ok glad I have your permission
    James: Too bad it'll make you vomit
    Lindsay: No it doesn't involve a penis so I won't vomit
    Lindsay: I want my eyebrows and nails done
    Lindsay: And I will need some new clothes for when I start getting fat
    James: Ok
    Lindsay: So what do u want
    James: What if I like titty **** you when you're sleeping
    Lindsay: Well I don't want to wake up with your penis in my face ill probably get scared and attack it and my boobs r really sore right now neway so no
    James: Well just get me whatever you want then
    Lindsay: Ok well u probably won't like it
    James: It's the thought that counts
    Lindsay: Well I think ur an *******
    Lindsay: Does that count
    James: Sure
    Lindsay: Good merry christmas then



    Christmas presents, part 2:

    Lindsay: Wow u are gonna hate me I am picking out the craziest stuff for u
    James: This should be interesting
    Lindsay: Yeah its going to be its called a care package
    James: Nice I don't really know what to expect there but don't explain any further
    Lindsay: Ok well u are opening it tonite
    James: No I'm not
    Lindsay: Yeas u are or ill throw it all in ur face
    James: No you wont
    Lindsay: Yes I will u will ****ing open these mother****ing gifts
    Lindsay: I'm yelling all that right now
    James: Well I'm imagining it being yelled with samuel l jackson's voice and its making me laugh so sorry you're not scary enough but I will open it christmas day
    Lindsay: No u will not ill burn all the food in the house and I don't know what else ill do but ill do something horrible
    James: Yeah no sorry
    Lindsay: James I'm so serious u are opening it tonite dammit
    James: No I'm really not
    Lindsay: Yes u really are or I'm throwing it all on ur bed
    Lindsay: That's it that's final end of conversation
    James: Don't do that I'm not giving you your presents until christmas anyway
    Lindsay: Okay whatever that's not true ill get them from u b4 christmas
    James: No you wont
    Lindsay: Yes I will u better just give up I'm going to win
    James: You'll get your eyebrows done and you'll probably grab whatever we get at ross and run until your prego ass runs out of breath and collapses but I got you other stuff a while ago and you're not getting that
    Lindsay: And its not like christmas matters nemore to us we don't enjoy it like we used too
    Lindsay: Ur a jerk well u can open mine
    James: Listen I really hate putting up christmas trees knowing there's not going to be any presents under it so f u
    James: And I just made jerome and eddie watch 2girls1cup it was ****ing hilarious
    Lindsay: Ok well there will be plenty of presents underneath it for kk I don't really care about the christmas tree either but it had to be done for kk u know so yes u are opening ur christmas present u ****er
    Lindsay: It has to b opened asap there are things that can spoil
    James: No there's not or you would've said that in the beginning
    Lindsay: Shut the **** up james just do it or I promise I will ****ing kill u
    James: FINE
    Lindsay: Thank u



    Regarding our relationship:

    Lindsay: When am I going 2 start work
    James: You're not
    Lindsay: Ok no really when
    James: We're hiring a midget in a dr seuss hat instead
    Lindsay: Yeah ok I can totally see y
    James: Jim said I could hire a second tech as soon as we get our asc codes and stuff but the people in charge of creating and assigning them keep going on vacation so I have no idea when that will be
    Lindsay: R u lying to me
    Lindsay: Cuz I will kill u u know
    Lindsay: Kill u in ur face
    Lindsay: What windows does ur comp have
    Lindsay: R u getting these
    James: Xp why
    Lindsay: I'm trying to figure out how I can get ms silverlight on ur comp for school
    James: I can put it on a usb drive and take it home with me
    Lindsay: Y do that I have the website
    James: Lot of good that'll do when we currently have no internet
    James: And why are you trying to figure out how to get it if you have the url
    Lindsay: Well I can't do school until we get internet neway so no point in having it til then
    Lindsay: I was asking a chat person and they asked what operating system
    Lindsay: Kiss my ass
    Lindsay: Y r u being so mean
    James: I'm not being mean wtf
    Lindsay: Yes u r ur being a jerk
    James: I apologize for my rudeness, miss. I hope you can forgive me.
    James: I want you to know that I admire your ambitious spirit and I wish you a pleasant afternoon.
    Lindsay: That's even worse I really want to kick ur ass right now
    Lindsay: It is caylees remains they are doing a press conf
    Lindsay: I'm sure death penalty will b on the table I hate casey I want to kill her
    James: You have very violent tendencies and I think I should alert the authorities
    Lindsay: Yeah u probably should
    Lindsay: Hey me and my sis r coming in soon
    James: Ok
    Lindsay: I'm going back to her house on monday cause ryan is going out of town and she doesn't want to b by herself so I'm staying with her I'm not sure if ill be home tonite or not I have a lot of crap going on
    Lindsay: But I wanted u to know
    James: What crap do you have going on
    Lindsay: And I want to say something about me and u. U are like one of my best friends james and I love u so much but I don't want to be in a relationship with ne one right now and I don't want to do that with you because for one I don't want to ruin our friendship. We have a friendship a lot of people would kill for and I never want that to change. I just want you to know that I'm here as your friend and roomate of course but I don't want anything to change from that. I appreciate everything u have done 4 me. I am having another child now and it is not ur responsibility to take care of not one but 2 children that aren't even urs. I just want u to be there as my friend and support my decisions. Plkease answer me and tell me what u think. Sorry if I did anything to hurt u.
    James: Um I will read this book when I'm not busy
    Lindsay: Ok do u still have customers or r u avoiding this conversation
    James: Hold please
    Lindsay: Ok well we will b there soon
    James: What the **** are you talking about
    James: Are your hormones going nuts or something
    Lindsay: **** u nevermind then if ur going to be like that
    James: I never said anything about wanting a relationship. I haven't even thought of you that way since you got knocked up so I really don't know what brought all that on
    Lindsay: U said u wanted to be with me if me and gary broke up
    James: I said I wouldn't let you move in with me unless you and gary broke up
    Lindsay: Well I remember u saying u wanted to be with me
    James: That was two months ago and I was drunk and on xanax
    Lindsay: Oh well that's nice thanks james
    James: Yeah I'm really not sure what you want me to say
    Lindsay: Nothing forget it we will be there in 10 mins
    James: Lindsay, I'm lost without you. You brighten my dull life with your radiant smile. I can't imagine going a single day without waking up next to you. Will you marry me?
    Lindsay: Shut the **** up I'm almost there and I'm going to kill u
    James: Is that a yes?
    Lindsay: Yes just so I can divorce u and take half ur stuff
    Lindsay: I just wanted to know if our friendship was important enuff to u where u wouldn't walk away just because u didn't get ur way
    Lindsay: But u think everything is a joke
    James: So do you
    Lindsay: Yes but I'm serious and ur being a prick
    James: Bitch you knew I was a snake
    Lindsay: I don't know what that means but we r pulling in now and I have my knife so yeah



    Teabagging:

    Lindsay: Have u seen 8 girls no cup
    James: No
    Lindsay: Well u should
    James: K
    Lindsay: Watch it right now I'm sure u can find it
    James: No
    Lindsay: Do it u pussy
    James: Busy
    Lindsay: No ur not or u wouldn't be answering me
    Lindsay: Get one of ur coworkers with it
    Lindsay: Oh now ur not talking cause ur pretending to be busy
    Lindsay: I bet if I come down there u will be sleeping
    Lindsay: I'm going to teabag u with my labia
    Lindsay: And draw a penis on ur face
    Lindsay: Do u think I could put a sharpie in my vagina and draw a penis on ur face with it
    Lindsay: Wow I seriously want 2 try that now
    Lindsay: What r u doing I know ur not really busy
    Lindsay: James tyrell u answer me right now
    Lindsay: I'm about 2 come down there
    Lindsay: I'm going to practice my vagina art skills on ur face
    Lindsay: What do u think ur boss would do if he came in and saw that
    Lindsay: I think he would hire me
    Lindsay: And I'm going to break ur legs if u don't start talking right now
    Lindsay: Then u will be in a wheel chair and u will be easier to teabag
    Lindsay: U can try 2 roll away but ill be wearing roller skates so ill just roll with u
    Lindsay: Omg that would be amazing to watch can we please do this and get it on video
    Lindsay: File: voicenote.amr (9 KB)
    Lindsay: Did u listen to it
    Lindsay: File: voicenote.amr (12 KB)
    Lindsay: Stop sending me to ****ing voicemail
    James: What the **** do you want
    Lindsay: Nothing I hate u



    Call tones:

    Lindsay: Hey how do I get call tones
    James: You don't
    Lindsay: Shut up just tell me
    James: Can't get them with a blackberry
    Lindsay: Oh that's awesome I ****ing hate my life
    Lindsay: Ur probably lying I'm gonna call
    James: K let me know how that goes
    Lindsay: I will ****face
    Lindsay: Do I have a window based phone
    James: No
    Lindsay: Ok and I don't have an iden or rim so I should be able to have a call tone so in ur ****ing face james
    James: It is rim dumbass
    Lindsay: What the ****
    Lindsay: I don't want this phone nemore I want a new one
    James: K gl with that
    Lindsay: Ok give me ur old 902 ill give u my bb
    James: Why would I want your stupid blackberry it can't even get call tones
    Lindsay: Shut the f up
    Lindsay: I want the diamond 3.2 mp camera
    James: That's a windows phone
    Lindsay: No it's not ****er shut up
    James: You're an idiot
    Lindsay: Well if I had it I wouldn't care about call tones
    Lindsay: Don't call me an idiot ill ****ing slit ur throat when ur sleeping
    James: So you're going to spend what little money you have on an expensive phone at retail price just because it has a slightly better camera
    Lindsay: Yes
    James: So you're moving out then
    Lindsay: What no
    James: Your unemployment barely covers your share of the rent, food, electric etc so if you buy a phone you won't be able to pay that
    James: So you're telling me I need to kick your ass out and find a new roommate
    Lindsay: No I'm not buying it right now
    Lindsay: Stop yelling at me y do u hate me
    Lindsay: I cook for u I let u play with my boobs I do ur laundry I sing for u u won't kick me out
    James: Yes I will
    Lindsay: Think u can kick me out of the band
    Lindsay: Well u think u will be just fine without me but ur MINE
    Lindsay: How can u kick me out of what is MIIIINE!!!
    Lindsay: Lol school of rock have u seen that
    James: No
    Lindsay: Well then
    Lindsay: Ur a faggot
    James: I'm going to put all your stuff outside and burn everything you love
    Lindsay: Well u would have to burn urself
    James: Maybe I will
    Lindsay: Just kidding I ****ing hate u
    James: Oh
    Lindsay: But u should still burn urself
    Lindsay: Maybe ill pee on u to put it out
    James: Wouldn't be the first time
    Lindsay: Yeah sorry about that



    To be continued, I'm sure.
    Quote Originally Posted by ston3rpimp69
    so i was lookin at this forum and realized that the few ppl still lingering here trying to defibrillate this ol dusty place are kinda like hobos using an abandoned church for shelter, hoping that their god who hath abandoned them still checks in on his old stomping grounds from time to time. well my unwashed friends, keep those trash fires burning cause life without me is a dark, cold, confusing hell. the warmth of salvation lies only in PURE FIRE™. and though my amazing posts are many, the worthy are few.

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    Lindsay: And I will need some new clothes for when I start getting fat
    Should have responded with "what do you mean when?"

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    Those logs are good. Can't wait for more :D


    Quote Originally Posted by ston3rpimp69 View Post
    YO FUKC U PUNK ASS FGTS THIS GROUP IS FOR AWESOME MOTHERFUKCERS DOING AWESOME MOTHERFUKCIN THINGS AND DISCUSSING IMPORTANT AND PROFOUND TOPICS SUCH AS SUBSTANCE EXCHANGE RATES, JAILBAIT, COOKIN CRANK, TRISH'S SNATCH, BEER AND TACOS. WE ALSO GO ON FIELD TRIPS AND SIHT. SO IF UR INTO BEATIN HOMELESS PPL WITH SOCKS FULL OF BATTERIES THEN JOIN THIS FUKCIN GROUP CUZ U CANT BE A SCARED LITTLE BITCH ALL UR LIFE

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    Lindsay: I'm going to teabag u with my labia
    Lindsay: And draw a penis on ur face
    Lindsay: Do u think I could put a sharpie in my vagina and draw a penis on ur face with it
    Lindsay: Wow I seriously want 2 try that now
    Lindsay: What r u doing I know ur not really busy
    Pics?

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    Can't really tell if you actually wanna be with this chick or not, but either way,


    But yeah, I had a close female friend like that. Now, we never talk. Goodluck.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dyndrilliac View Post
    Seriously, I have done a lot of drugs. A lot of ****ing drugs. I would snort a line of cocaine off a piss stained urinal in some truck-stop dive with my closest friends and family looking on in disgust before I took anything from somebody I didn't know and trust. That's just ****ing dumb.

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    Sandman, you are my idol. I aspire to be like you. Will you marry me?

    Ohwait, ****ing prop 8. Will you commit to a domestic partnership with me?
    "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -- Benjamin Franklin, Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759

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    Quote Originally Posted by ston3rpimp69
    WE NEED MORE WEED MORE BITCHES MORE CAPSLOCK PURE FIRE

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    The Enlightened One Gold Member

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    Lol funny stuff sandman.

    Lindsay: But u should still burn urself
    Lindsay: Maybe ill pee on u to put it out
    James: Wouldn't be the first time
    Lindsay: Yeah sorry about that
    College, gogo.

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    Excellent conversations as per usual Sandman. Hilarious.

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    ****ing epic made me LOL the whole time I was reading that

    Edit: that made my day!
    Last edited by XxMolag BalxX : 12-24-2008 at 02:51 PM

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    Quote Originally Posted by MiCrOz View Post
    Can't really tell if you actually wanna be with this chick or not, but either way,


    But yeah, I had a close female friend like that. Now, we never talk. Goodluck.

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    Lol funny **** man!
    Ho boy!

    Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.

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    lol normally I don't read long **** like that, but it was pretty entertaining.

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    definitely worth reading the WHOLE thing
    Quote Originally Posted by Fagazukin
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    LO ****ING L.
    BD-ICY
    Seems that way.
    > Successfully injected Heroin.dll <
    Found my old account.

    ston3rpimp69: my mother told me id have my own personal ball-washer some day. im glad all that hard work paid off.

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    Anything sandman has ever wrote is worth reading the WHOLE thing.
    Quote Originally Posted by Aberrant View Post
    Ya, because it would be so hard to hit a moving blob of 20+ people.

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    sandman never fails to make me laugh, good **** bro.
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    ROFL. sandman.

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    Quote Originally Posted by MiCrOz View Post
    Can't really tell if you actually wanna be with this chick or not
    I could probably write a book on that but the short answer is no, I don't. We've had sex (my first menage a trois was with her and the girl I was seeing on my birthday this year) and up until she was pregnant I could get her to do whatever I wanted, but I don't want to be tied down to her, especially not now. Had more than one chance at that and turned it down, but she wouldn't leave me alone and now I keep her around because she pays half the rent, she cooks and she adds an interesting dynamic to my life.

    I will probably have another one to add tomorrow.

    edit:
    Just so this post has something worth reading, here's how I hooked up with the other girl that was involved with my menage a trois.

    From: Angel
    Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 12:19 PM
    To: James
    Subject:
    I hate dickweeds!!


    From: James
    To: Angel
    Sent: Wed May 21 13:30:22 2008
    Subject: RE:
    That is very hurtful. All this hate is tearing me up inside. In fact, my lower intestines have moved lower and my higher intestines climbed up my throat during an extended yawn while Steve was talking earlier and exited for parts unknown, leaving me with a hollow feeling inside. I have decided to turn over a new leaf and become a loving and caring individual, with open arms, good words and warm feelings extended toward all my co-workers.

    I love you, man.


    From: Angel
    Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 1:32 PM
    To: James
    Subject: Re:
    I wasn't calling u a dickweed, (jake)


    From: James
    To: Angel
    Sent: Wed May 21 13:35:10 2008
    Subject: RE:
    Well then, I humbly apologize for the misunderstanding. Please have a pleasant and wonderful day!


    From: Angel
    Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 1:42 PM
    To: James
    Subject: Re:
    Ur being too nice.. I don't like it!


    From: James
    To: Angel
    Sent: Wed May 21 13:43:30 2008
    Subject: RE:
    I apologize if I am coming off too strong with my untamed niceness and I hope you can forgive me.


    From: Angel
    Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 1:45 PM
    To: James
    Subject: Re:
    Assmuncher


    From: James
    To: Angel
    Sent: Wed May 21 14:02:12 2008
    Subject: RE:
    I probably deserve that. I apologize for being an assmuncher and thank you for reminding me that I am an assmuncher. Also, if you require my assmunching services I'd be happy to comply.


    From: James
    Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 2:29 PM
    To: Angel
    Subject: let's get together tonight
    A bunch of the guys and I are getting together tonight to read The Last of the Mohicans. Care to join us?


    From: Angel
    Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 2:31 PM
    To: James
    Subject: RE: let's get together tonight
    Umm.. Is that a joke or are you serious?


    From: James
    Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 2:37 PM
    To: Angel Murphy
    Subject: RE: let's get together tonight
    I'm very serious about reading, but I don't do it very well, hence the group project.


    From: Angel
    Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 2:40 PM
    To: James
    Subject: RE: let's get together tonight
    I love to read! What time?


    From: James
    Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 2:51 PM
    To: Angel Murphy
    Subject: RE: let's get together tonight
    We typically start our group reading during the Witching Hour.



    And the next day I guilted her about not showing up, so she agreed to come over that night. I got her drunk on Sebor and that was that.
    Last edited by Sandman : 12-25-2008 at 12:49 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ston3rpimp69
    so i was lookin at this forum and realized that the few ppl still lingering here trying to defibrillate this ol dusty place are kinda like hobos using an abandoned church for shelter, hoping that their god who hath abandoned them still checks in on his old stomping grounds from time to time. well my unwashed friends, keep those trash fires burning cause life without me is a dark, cold, confusing hell. the warmth of salvation lies only in PURE FIRE™. and though my amazing posts are many, the worthy are few.

  20. #20
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    Very nice! Another wonderful read. You will need to write an biography about ur life I would Definitly read it.

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