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Thread: Dan Brown

  1. #1
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    Default Dan Brown

    A little over a week ago, I was coming back from Oregon after visiting my cousin for the 4th of July. The flight was at 4:00 AM, so I decided to pull an all-nighter rather than get what little sleep I could and join the ranks of the walking dead the next morning. So, I entered the local Barnes & Noble looking for a book to keep me awake (there were no other bookstores or libraries within reasonable distance), wandered about a bit, and suddenly saw a large portion of a bookshelf dedicated to Dan Brown. I had tried reading Da Vinci Code, but got bored and stopped 20 pages in. But, having heard good things about him from some friends, I bought Digital Fortress.

    Ten pages into this book I severed all connections with aforementioned friends. Dear. ****ing. God. This guy has to be one of the worst authors I have ever had the profound displeasure of reading the lexical excrement of. The books begins with some woman (the main character, as it turns out) who was dreaming of getting plowed by some *******, only to be woken up by said ******* who must not only deny her immediate screwing but must also postpone the plans they had made to screw at a fancy hotel. Thus ends the character development phase.

    The rest of the book was of equal calibur. It was the only available reading material, and I was stuck with it the whole night. The synopsis spoke of engaging characters and stunning twists. The main characters were one dimensional, and the side characters might as well have not existed. I guessed some of the twists, and the rest, though unexpected, simply became tiring and downright childish. YOU THOUGHT THIS, THEN I MADE YOU THINK THIS, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY THIS! BAHAHAHA! PRAISE ME!

    Dan Brown is often praised for his research skills. This entire book is about technology, and was written in 1998, so everything he speaks of is laid bare to the computer-savvy public, and can be immediately dismissed as absolute bull****. In one instance, all the people in the NSA were throwing hissy fits because hackers might gain access to the NSA database, since a virus deleted it's protection files. A few problems:
    a) The NSA database is not accessible via the internet.
    b) File protection is not provided by internal files.
    c) The files in the NSA database are also encrypted.
    d) If they gained access, they could extract nothing of value. 99.9% of the **** in there is boring and useless, it would take hours with direct access to find anything detrimental.

    So, when I got home, I looked it up on Amazon. It had a user rating of 3. Well then, I thought, perhaps this was his ****ty book and the others were better? So, I checked the Da Vinci Code. 3.5.

    What's the point of all this, you ask? To warn those who have not read Brown's books to remain in said status, to agree with all those who read one of his books and thought it was horrible, and to wish an exceedingly painful death to anyone who read one of his books and liked it.
    NEWS YOU CAN USE. IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO USE THIS NEWS YOU WILL BE KILLED.

  2. #2

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    I read The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons and liked them both. Although they were both improbable I personally thought they were good reads. Maybe I liked them because they had the same main character, but nevertheless I like the twists and the moderate action in them.

    Since you didn't like them, what books do you reccomend to read, as I am in need of reading a new good book.

    ^^ Thanks Ds for the Sig.

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    NOW I REMEMBER. SILENCE YOU PERVERTED **** THAT'S JESSI SHE AINT 17 SHE'S 15 AND SHE'S BEEN IN PEDO MOVIES.

  3. #3

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    i live in vancouver washington, which is RIGHT by portland,oregon
    Last edited by SC_Modder : 07-16-2006 at 03:16 AM Reason: Removed quote of first post to keep the page from being rediculously long.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by llafnwod View Post
    I had tried reading Da Vinci Code, but got bored and stopped 20 pages in.
    That's exaclty what happened to me. My friends were all like OMG its gr8, but right after the part where the Museum guy gets shot and the scene changes, I lost all interest.
    It's been a pretty long time since I've been here

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    xie xie ning Senior Member

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    Did you read "Atlas Shrugged" like I suggested to you?

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    Personally, the only book I liked of his was Angles & Demons. All his others were really, amazingly bad.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DA( View Post
    Did you read "Atlas Shrugged" like I suggested to you?
    Me? No.

    Dan Brown's books may be inconcievable, dumb, and have language errors, the books are fun to read. The aren't for the serious person who wants facts and a straightfoward plot. His books are usually action packed, running around romps. He makes things up, like the "Mach 15" jet in Angels and Demons and the Religious groups aren't as "hardcore" religious as he makes out they are. Also his Italian and Latin errors are appauling.

    Now I didn't say these are the best books I've ever read. I said I liked them. I liked the action, the twists, and the theme. The side characters were pretty one-dimensional as mentioned, but none the less, the books are entertaining, dumb, inhumanly possible, and fun.
    Last edited by AlCapwnz : 07-15-2006 at 09:06 PM

    ^^ Thanks Ds for the Sig.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gantznaught View Post
    NOW I REMEMBER. SILENCE YOU PERVERTED **** THAT'S JESSI SHE AINT 17 SHE'S 15 AND SHE'S BEEN IN PEDO MOVIES.

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    xie xie ning Senior Member

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    Quote Originally Posted by AlCapwnz View Post
    Me? No.
    What the hell made you think that was directed to you? Did I ever suggest that you read it? I was talking to llafnwod.

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    No, I haven't. I think I will.
    NEWS YOU CAN USE. IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO USE THIS NEWS YOU WILL BE KILLED.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DA( View Post
    What the hell made you think that was directed to you? Did I ever suggest that you read it? I was talking to llafnwod.
    Wow, a little crabby today?

    Because I asked for a good book to read, and you asked the question, so maybe in a different thread I forgot about you told me to read it, I don't know.

    ^^ Thanks Ds for the Sig.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gantznaught View Post
    NOW I REMEMBER. SILENCE YOU PERVERTED **** THAT'S JESSI SHE AINT 17 SHE'S 15 AND SHE'S BEEN IN PEDO MOVIES.

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    Quote Originally Posted by AlCapwnz View Post
    Wow, a little crabby today?

    Because I asked for a good book to read, and you asked the question, so maybe in a different thread I forgot about you told me to read it, I don't know.
    A dozen posts later and without quoting your post. A reply without a quote generally refers to either the original or preceding post. Back on topic.
    NEWS YOU CAN USE. IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO USE THIS NEWS YOU WILL BE KILLED.

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    Quote Originally Posted by cluckmoo View Post
    i live in vancouver washington, which is RIGHT by portland,oregon
    Fan-****ing-tastic. Now, mind telling us why we should give a ****?

    Dan Brown is a talentless hack who only got popular because who wrote about America's most touchy subject: Religion. DaVinci Code was only popular because he had the characters explain things in ways that people on a History Channel presentation would. Every review I have even heard for the DaVinci Code can be summed up as "it's a good story, but terribly written."

    Bottom Line: Next time your in a Barnes & Noble get a book of children's names. It's bound to be more entertaining than a Dan Brown novel.

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    I was looking for a decent book, and after reading Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson (which is a ****ing great book, read that ****. As is Crytonomicon, although that's on the lengthy side. Anything by Neal Stephenson is good.)

    I too suffered the horror that is Digital Fortress. I wholeheartedly agree with everything in your post, llafnwod.
    I mean, normally if a book has a tech-orientation I can understand it.
    Digital Fortress was pure crap. Dan Brown obviously didn't put much work into his "research", if any.

    Great books I've read recently:
    Snow Crash, Crytonomicon, The Big U - Neal Stephenson
    Alphabet of Manliness - Maddox
    I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell - Tucker Max (a lot of it is on his site but it's worth it to be able to take the stuff with you and read wherever)
    Fight Club, Survivor, Choke - Chuck Palahniuk
    "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -- Benjamin Franklin, Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759

    "Arms discourage and keep the invader and plunderer in awe, and preserve order in the world as well as property. . . Horrid mischief would ensue were the law-abiding deprived of the use of them." -- Thomas Paine, Thoughts On Defensive War, 1775

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  14. #14
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    I agree with you Llaf. I personally despise Dan Brown to all eternity. Not because he's a **** author, but because he just gets so much praise by complete IDIOTS that couldn't tell a good book if it ass-f*cked them in the middle of the ocean. The Da Vinci code was meant to be just so ground-breaking, but when I read it, it was actually an extremely poorly written book with a storyline that - let's face it - is largely fictional and wouldn't matter even if it WASN'T. "Jesus Christ has a wife. OMFG OMFG GROUND BREAKING - *puts on the bestseller list* - "

    One of the main pieces of 'evidence' used in the Da Vinci code was the painting the last supper. The theory is that Jesus is sitting with his supposed wife, Mary, and that the way they are sitting looks like an M - apparently for "marriage" or "matrimony".

    Okay - using this evidence, let's devise another theory:

    The M actually stands for "Make me more danish Pastries please." So Jesus was in fact the leader of a cult known as "The foundation of Danish Pastries, Croissants and other things". Jews were pissed off because people liked them more than bagles, so they hunted Jesus down and killed him.

    The above theory is as logical as the Da Vinci code.

    I've read a lot of books by a lot of authors, and Dan Brown is definately at the bottom of the list somewhere.

    Me? No.

    Quote Originally Posted by AlCaPwnz
    Dan Brown's books may be inconcievable, dumb, and have language errors, the books are fun to read. The aren't for the serious person who wants facts and a straightfoward plot. His books are usually action packed, running around romps. He makes things up, like the "Mach 15" jet in Angels and Demons and the Religious groups aren't as "hardcore" religious as he makes out they are. Also his Italian and Latin errors are appauling.

    Now I didn't say these are the best books I've ever read. I said I liked them. I liked the action, the twists, and the theme. The side characters were pretty one-dimensional as mentioned, but none the less, the books are entertaining, dumb, inhumanly possible, and fun.
    You have clearly read very very few books. Dan Brown is perhaps one of the DULLEST authors I have EVER been forced to suffer the agony of reading. If you want uncontrollable, unbelievable, ****ed up action, Matt Reilly is your man. The thing with Dan Brown is that he attempts to make these 'exciting' situations. The flaw is they aren't exciting.

    Try Matt Reilly's earlier works, such as Temple or Ice Station. Fantastic action, twist and story line. It rivals Harry Potter in terms of keeping interest.
    Last edited by EyeOfFire : 07-15-2006 at 10:40 PM

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    Quote Originally Posted by Loser777 View Post
    That's exaclty what happened to me. My friends were all like OMG its gr8, but right after the part where the Museum guy gets shot and the scene changes, I lost all interest.
    You can read?

    Anyway, I am lazy so I don't read intellectual literature.

    EDIT: Fixed:
    Anyway, I am lazy so I don't read >>>at all<<<.
    Last edited by BloodyBlade : 07-15-2006 at 11:15 PM

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    Quote Originally Posted by BloodyBlade View Post
    Anyway, I am lazy so I don't read intellectual literature.
    I wouldn't consider a Dan Brown book to be "intellectual." (Or literature.)

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    Yes, but the topic is about how Dan Brown writes ****ty literature and I am relating to that by saying I don't read. I know I worded it bad.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BloodyBlade View Post
    Yes, but the topic is about how Dan Brown writes ****ty literature and I am relating to that by saying I don't read. I know I worded it bad.
    Yeah, I got what you were saying. I just want to take as many stabs at Dan Brown as possible.

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    Quote Originally Posted by disco View Post
    Yeah, I got what you were saying. I just want to take as many stabs at Dan Brown as possible.
    You all must clearly be jealous and can't comprehend his massive howardmeis-like genius.
    For the love of all things nerdrage: it's saren, not Saren.
    All you have to do is copy and paste the moniker.

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    Quote Originally Posted by saren View Post
    You all just clearly are jealous and can't comprehend his massive howardmeis like genius.
    Yeah, that must be it.

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