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llafnwod
07-15-2006, 08:09 PM
A little over a week ago, I was coming back from Oregon after visiting my cousin for the 4th of July. The flight was at 4:00 AM, so I decided to pull an all-nighter rather than get what little sleep I could and join the ranks of the walking dead the next morning. So, I entered the local Barnes & Noble looking for a book to keep me awake (there were no other bookstores or libraries within reasonable distance), wandered about a bit, and suddenly saw a large portion of a bookshelf dedicated to Dan Brown. I had tried reading Da Vinci Code, but got bored and stopped 20 pages in. But, having heard good things about him from some friends, I bought Digital Fortress.

Ten pages into this book I severed all connections with aforementioned friends. Dear. ****ing. God. This guy has to be one of the worst authors I have ever had the profound displeasure of reading the lexical excrement of. The books begins with some woman (the main character, as it turns out) who was dreaming of getting plowed by some *******, only to be woken up by said ******* who must not only deny her immediate screwing but must also postpone the plans they had made to screw at a fancy hotel. Thus ends the character development phase.

The rest of the book was of equal calibur. It was the only available reading material, and I was stuck with it the whole night. The synopsis spoke of engaging characters and stunning twists. The main characters were one dimensional, and the side characters might as well have not existed. I guessed some of the twists, and the rest, though unexpected, simply became tiring and downright childish. YOU THOUGHT THIS, THEN I MADE YOU THINK THIS, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY THIS! BAHAHAHA! PRAISE ME!

Dan Brown is often praised for his research skills. This entire book is about technology, and was written in 1998, so everything he speaks of is laid bare to the computer-savvy public, and can be immediately dismissed as absolute bull****. In one instance, all the people in the NSA were throwing hissy fits because hackers might gain access to the NSA database, since a virus deleted it's protection files. A few problems:
a) The NSA database is not accessible via the internet.
b) File protection is not provided by internal files.
c) The files in the NSA database are also encrypted.
d) If they gained access, they could extract nothing of value. 99.9% of the **** in there is boring and useless, it would take hours with direct access to find anything detrimental.

So, when I got home, I looked it up on Amazon. It had a user rating of 3. Well then, I thought, perhaps this was his ****ty book and the others were better? So, I checked the Da Vinci Code. 3.5.

What's the point of all this, you ask? To warn those who have not read Brown's books to remain in said status, to agree with all those who read one of his books and thought it was horrible, and to wish an exceedingly painful death to anyone who read one of his books and liked it.

AlCapwnz
07-15-2006, 08:35 PM
I read The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons and liked them both. Although they were both improbable I personally thought they were good reads. Maybe I liked them because they had the same main character, but nevertheless I like the twists and the moderate action in them.

Since you didn't like them, what books do you reccomend to read, as I am in need of reading a new good book.

cluckmoo
07-15-2006, 08:42 PM
i live in vancouver washington, which is RIGHT by portland,oregon

Loser777
07-15-2006, 08:45 PM
I had tried reading Da Vinci Code, but got bored and stopped 20 pages in.

That's exaclty what happened to me. My friends were all like OMG its gr8, but right after the part where the Museum guy gets shot and the scene changes, I lost all interest.

DA(
07-15-2006, 08:50 PM
Did you read "Atlas Shrugged" like I suggested to you?

attilathedud
07-15-2006, 08:55 PM
Personally, the only book I liked of his was Angles & Demons. All his others were really, amazingly bad.

AlCapwnz
07-15-2006, 08:56 PM
Did you read "Atlas Shrugged" like I suggested to you?

Me? No.

Dan Brown's books may be inconcievable, dumb, and have language errors, the books are fun to read. The aren't for the serious person who wants facts and a straightfoward plot. His books are usually action packed, running around romps. He makes things up, like the "Mach 15" jet in Angels and Demons and the Religious groups aren't as "hardcore" religious as he makes out they are. Also his Italian and Latin errors are appauling.

Now I didn't say these are the best books I've ever read. I said I liked them. I liked the action, the twists, and the theme. The side characters were pretty one-dimensional as mentioned, but none the less, the books are entertaining, dumb, inhumanly possible, and fun.

DA(
07-15-2006, 08:59 PM
Me? No.What the hell made you think that was directed to you? Did I ever suggest that you read it? I was talking to llafnwod.

llafnwod
07-15-2006, 09:02 PM
No, I haven't. I think I will.

AlCapwnz
07-15-2006, 09:08 PM
What the hell made you think that was directed to you? Did I ever suggest that you read it? I was talking to llafnwod.

Wow, a little crabby today?

Because I asked for a good book to read, and you asked the question, so maybe in a different thread I forgot about you told me to read it, I don't know.

llafnwod
07-15-2006, 09:12 PM
Wow, a little crabby today?

Because I asked for a good book to read, and you asked the question, so maybe in a different thread I forgot about you told me to read it, I don't know.A dozen posts later and without quoting your post. A reply without a quote generally refers to either the original or preceding post. Back on topic.

disco
07-15-2006, 09:53 PM
i live in vancouver washington, which is RIGHT by portland,oregon

Fan-****ing-tastic. Now, mind telling us why we should give a ****?

Dan Brown is a talentless hack who only got popular because who wrote about America's most touchy subject: Religion. DaVinci Code was only popular because he had the characters explain things in ways that people on a History Channel presentation would. Every review I have even heard for the DaVinci Code can be summed up as "it's a good story, but terribly written."

Bottom Line: Next time your in a Barnes & Noble get a book of children's names. It's bound to be more entertaining than a Dan Brown novel.

Gore
07-15-2006, 10:03 PM
I was looking for a decent book, and after reading Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson (which is a ****ing great book, read that ****. As is Crytonomicon, although that's on the lengthy side. Anything by Neal Stephenson is good.)

I too suffered the horror that is Digital Fortress. I wholeheartedly agree with everything in your post, llafnwod.
I mean, normally if a book has a tech-orientation I can understand it.
Digital Fortress was pure crap. Dan Brown obviously didn't put much work into his "research", if any.

Great books I've read recently:
Snow Crash, Crytonomicon, The Big U - Neal Stephenson
Alphabet of Manliness - Maddox
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell - Tucker Max (a lot of it is on his site but it's worth it to be able to take the stuff with you and read wherever)
Fight Club, Survivor, Choke - Chuck Palahniuk

EyeOfFire
07-15-2006, 10:35 PM
I agree with you Llaf. I personally despise Dan Brown to all eternity. Not because he's a **** author, but because he just gets so much praise by complete IDIOTS that couldn't tell a good book if it ass-f*cked them in the middle of the ocean. The Da Vinci code was meant to be just so ground-breaking, but when I read it, it was actually an extremely poorly written book with a storyline that - let's face it - is largely fictional and wouldn't matter even if it WASN'T. "Jesus Christ has a wife. OMFG OMFG GROUND BREAKING - *puts on the bestseller list* - "

One of the main pieces of 'evidence' used in the Da Vinci code was the painting the last supper. The theory is that Jesus is sitting with his supposed wife, Mary, and that the way they are sitting looks like an M - apparently for "marriage" or "matrimony".

Okay - using this evidence, let's devise another theory:

The M actually stands for "Make me more danish Pastries please." So Jesus was in fact the leader of a cult known as "The foundation of Danish Pastries, Croissants and other things". Jews were pissed off because people liked them more than bagles, so they hunted Jesus down and killed him.

The above theory is as logical as the Da Vinci code.

I've read a lot of books by a lot of authors, and Dan Brown is definately at the bottom of the list somewhere.

Me? No.


Dan Brown's books may be inconcievable, dumb, and have language errors, the books are fun to read. The aren't for the serious person who wants facts and a straightfoward plot. His books are usually action packed, running around romps. He makes things up, like the "Mach 15" jet in Angels and Demons and the Religious groups aren't as "hardcore" religious as he makes out they are. Also his Italian and Latin errors are appauling.

Now I didn't say these are the best books I've ever read. I said I liked them. I liked the action, the twists, and the theme. The side characters were pretty one-dimensional as mentioned, but none the less, the books are entertaining, dumb, inhumanly possible, and fun.
You have clearly read very very few books. Dan Brown is perhaps one of the DULLEST authors I have EVER been forced to suffer the agony of reading. If you want uncontrollable, unbelievable, ****ed up action, Matt Reilly is your man. The thing with Dan Brown is that he attempts to make these 'exciting' situations. The flaw is they aren't exciting.

Try Matt Reilly's earlier works, such as Temple or Ice Station. Fantastic action, twist and story line. It rivals Harry Potter in terms of keeping interest.

BloodyBlade
07-15-2006, 11:01 PM
That's exaclty what happened to me. My friends were all like OMG its gr8, but right after the part where the Museum guy gets shot and the scene changes, I lost all interest.You can read?

Anyway, I am lazy so I don't read intellectual literature.

EDIT: Fixed:
Anyway, I am lazy so I don't read >>>at all<<<.

disco
07-15-2006, 11:04 PM
Anyway, I am lazy so I don't read intellectual literature.
I wouldn't consider a Dan Brown book to be "intellectual." (Or literature.)

BloodyBlade
07-15-2006, 11:14 PM
Yes, but the topic is about how Dan Brown writes ****ty literature and I am relating to that by saying I don't read. I know I worded it bad.

disco
07-15-2006, 11:23 PM
Yes, but the topic is about how Dan Brown writes ****ty literature and I am relating to that by saying I don't read. I know I worded it bad.

Yeah, I got what you were saying. I just want to take as many stabs at Dan Brown as possible.

saren
07-15-2006, 11:31 PM
Yeah, I got what you were saying. I just want to take as many stabs at Dan Brown as possible.

You all must clearly be jealous and can't comprehend his massive howardmeis-like genius.

disco
07-15-2006, 11:33 PM
You all just clearly are jealous and can't comprehend his massive howardmeis like genius.

Yeah, that must be it. :rolleyes:

Dr. Silence
07-15-2006, 11:39 PM
Da Vinci code isn’t THAT bad, it isn’t worth a 20 page rant but the movie has got to be the biggest snore-fest ever.

hba
07-16-2006, 12:51 AM
What's the point of all this, you ask? To warn those who have not read Brown's books to remain in said status, to agree with all those who read one of his books and thought it was horrible, and to wish an exceedingly painful death to anyone who read one of his books and liked it.
Considering you are not the public idol, I doubt more than three people you'd ask on the sidewalk on a Saturday afternoon in the middle of Manhattan would even recognize that author's name.

This generation and the few left to come are safe from this man's drivel.

Your mission to disguard this man's writings will not result in vain.

Loser777
07-16-2006, 05:22 AM
Da Vinci code isnít THAT bad, it isnít worth a 20 page rant but the movie has got to be the biggest snore-fest ever.
Well then it's good that I bought a Chinese Version and lost te disc.
I personally think that anything that gets hyped to much sucks because it won't live up to the expectations.

phantoma
07-16-2006, 11:11 AM
Well DaVinc Code was completely over-hyped and made no "real" drive to get the reader/viewer interested in the actual plot or characters. I read occult literature and researched secret societies. But to see this book take that and make something "pop" of the occult, completely insults my intelligence...

If you want something real mind breaking you should see/read The Last Temptation of Christ(also known as The Last Temptation).It was written in 1951 by a writer named Nikos Kazantzakis, and is very hush hush in the Church.

While i wont spoil the book/film, i will say that it is one of the best things i've read and has refueled my faith in Christ. Also one last thing, sin is not temptation, you may never commit a sin in your life but you will never be free from temptation.

Even if your not a Christian this book provides a very interesting outlook on how the life of christ came to be.

ComradeSlavic
07-16-2006, 07:38 PM
I enjoyed "Angles and Demons" and I don't give a **** what anyone else says. Sure the story is far-fetched, all of the supposedly groundbreaking discoveries regarding anti-matter are not at all new, the assumptions made about the Catholic Church and secret societies may be false, and the characters may not be developed too well; but it kept me busy for a number of hours.

AlCapwnz
07-16-2006, 08:49 PM
You have clearly read very very few books. Dan Brown is perhaps one of the DULLEST authors I have EVER been forced to suffer the agony of reading. If you want uncontrollable, unbelievable, ****ed up action, Matt Reilly is your man. The thing with Dan Brown is that he attempts to make these 'exciting' situations. The flaw is they aren't exciting.

Try Matt Reilly's earlier works, such as Temple or Ice Station. Fantastic action, twist and story line. It rivals Harry Potter in terms of keeping interest.

Saying that it is clear I have read very few books because in my opinion, I liked one is just ridiculous. That is like saying "You like country music? You obviously don't listen to very much music." Or some stupid **** like that. It is my opinion on what an entertaining book is, and what you say can't deter that.

By the way, I read quite a bit.

han_han
07-16-2006, 11:20 PM
I liked Atlas Shrugged. Who is John Galt, everybody?

I've only read the DaVinci Code by Dan Brown but I was barely paying attention to it. I saw the movie because my brother was going so I decided to tag along.

EyeOfFire
07-17-2006, 01:34 AM
Saying that it is clear I have read very few books because in my opinion, I liked one is just ridiculous. That is like saying "You like country music? You obviously don't listen to very much music." Or some stupid **** like that. It is my opinion on what an entertaining book is, and what you say can't deter that.

By the way, I read quite a bit.
Not my point. Yes, it was my opinion - and assertion - that you had not done extremely wide reading if you consider Dan Brown to be an exciting author of action. I (and in fact, many others, I'm not alone here) considered it to be rather dull and very poor in terms of fast-paced reading.

You might have seen it differently - that's your opinion and you're entitled to it. I simply offered mine and offered some books which I thought were much better in terms of action/adventure, because it's my opinion that they weren't exciting at all. You can take it or leave it.

Mookster
07-17-2006, 07:32 AM
I really should read more.
Never in my life have I read a novel for recreation.

PocketRevolution
07-17-2006, 11:47 AM
Book recommendations:
-Fahrenheit 451. Very readable, very thought provoking, most parallels to our society of any "future dystopia" books I've read. (My ranking: F451, Animal Farm, 1984, Brave New World). Everyone can, and should, read it.
-Anything by Milan Kundera (famous for the Unbearable Lightness of Being)
-Anything by Douglas Adams, except Meaning of Liff
-Tom Robbins (people on the bus thought I was a lunatic because I was almost falling out of my seat laughing, reading Skinny Legs and All)
-if you like wierd s**t and deviant sexuality, Beautiful Losers by Leonard Cohen
-Alistair MacLean wrote a bunch of good suspense novels, though they are getting a little dated.

If you're going to read Ayn Rand, I would recommend The Fountainhead over Atlas Shrugged. It contains a lot of the same ideas, and since I find her writing style to be a bit like being beaten repeatedly with a two-by-four (or one of her extremely long books), you'll have to slog through several hundred fewer pages of extremely dense prose to get to the end. Not that I'm saying they aren't good books with interesting ideas. Just that they are slow-moving, unnecessarily verbose, and belabor the point at great length. I read all of the Fourtainhead, and maybe 1/4 of Atlas Shrugged before I threw in the towel.

(Usually, I find bestseller lists to be a very handy do-not-read list.)