Conversations with my roommate

[Sandman]

On the first of this month I made one of the bigger mistakes of my life by getting a place with my friend Lindsay. We've messed around quite a bit when we were drunk, but for the most part our relationship is platonic. She's only 22 but she has a 3-year-old daugther and is currently about 8 weeks pregnant with another kid (not mine), and I'm not looking forward to that. But we get along really well despite how these logs make it seem.

Since my supervisors frown on personal phone calls during work, we use Blackberry IM to communicate during the day. Here are some logs from some of our more interesting conversations.

Christmas presents, part 1:

Lindsay: Hey wake up mf
James: Hi
Lindsay: Hello there I am feeling sooo much better I'm going to see if ada will watch kk for a while so we can go
James: Go where
Lindsay: Shopping for stuff we need
Lindsay: We talked about this last nite remember
James: Ok
Lindsay: Wow u were typing for a long time and that's all u said
James: I was typing something else
Lindsay: Well what
James: If I wanted to say it I would've finished typing it
Lindsay: F u and did u get the check sent off
James: Yes
Lindsay: K so what were u going to say
James: Don't worry about it
Lindsay: I will worry about it ****er what were u going to say
Lindsay: Were u going to call me a bitch
James: Yes
Lindsay: No u weren't
James: You're a stupid bitch and I hope you drown in the blood of your own child
Lindsay: Wow that was a little much don't u think
James: Well you wanted to know
Lindsay: That's not what u were really typing common tell me
James: I don't even remember now it wasn't important
Lindsay: Ok well what do u want for christmas
James: A steak and a blowjob
Lindsay: Well I can do neither right now because I'm prego so what else do u want
James: Um how does being pregnant hinder your steak cooking and head giving abilities
Lindsay: Because both raw meat and penises make me want to vomit I don't even want to have sex nemore its disgusting
James: Well this is a serious problem for me so you're going to have to work on that
Lindsay: I know I'm sorry but what else do u want
Lindsay: And what r u getting me
James: I don't know and I don't know
Lindsay: Well think of something
James: What do you want
Lindsay: U can lick my twat
James: Well that's cheap I suppose
Lindsay: No that's not what I want for christmas I'm just saying u can do it
James: Oh ok glad I have your permission
James: Too bad it'll make you vomit
Lindsay: No it doesn't involve a penis so I won't vomit
Lindsay: I want my eyebrows and nails done
Lindsay: And I will need some new clothes for when I start getting fat
James: Ok
Lindsay: So what do u want
James: What if I like titty **** you when you're sleeping
Lindsay: Well I don't want to wake up with your penis in my face ill probably get scared and attack it and my boobs r really sore right now neway so no
James: Well just get me whatever you want then
Lindsay: Ok well u probably won't like it
James: It's the thought that counts
Lindsay: Well I think ur an *******
Lindsay: Does that count
James: Sure
Lindsay: Good merry christmas then



Christmas presents, part 2:

Lindsay: Wow u are gonna hate me I am picking out the craziest stuff for u
James: This should be interesting
Lindsay: Yeah its going to be its called a care package
James: Nice I don't really know what to expect there but don't explain any further
Lindsay: Ok well u are opening it tonite
James: No I'm not
Lindsay: Yeas u are or ill throw it all in ur face
James: No you wont
Lindsay: Yes I will u will ****ing open these mother****ing gifts
Lindsay: I'm yelling all that right now
James: Well I'm imagining it being yelled with samuel l jackson's voice and its making me laugh so sorry you're not scary enough but I will open it christmas day
Lindsay: No u will not ill burn all the food in the house and I don't know what else ill do but ill do something horrible
James: Yeah no sorry
Lindsay: James I'm so serious u are opening it tonite dammit
James: No I'm really not
Lindsay: Yes u really are or I'm throwing it all on ur bed
Lindsay: That's it that's final end of conversation
James: Don't do that I'm not giving you your presents until christmas anyway
Lindsay: Okay whatever that's not true ill get them from u b4 christmas
James: No you wont
Lindsay: Yes I will u better just give up I'm going to win
James: You'll get your eyebrows done and you'll probably grab whatever we get at ross and run until your prego ass runs out of breath and collapses but I got you other stuff a while ago and you're not getting that
Lindsay: And its not like christmas matters nemore to us we don't enjoy it like we used too
Lindsay: Ur a jerk well u can open mine
James: Listen I really hate putting up christmas trees knowing there's not going to be any presents under it so f u
James: And I just made jerome and eddie watch 2girls1cup it was ****ing hilarious
Lindsay: Ok well there will be plenty of presents underneath it for kk I don't really care about the christmas tree either but it had to be done for kk u know so yes u are opening ur christmas present u ****er
Lindsay: It has to b opened asap there are things that can spoil
James: No there's not or you would've said that in the beginning
Lindsay: Shut the **** up james just do it or I promise I will ****ing kill u
James: FINE
Lindsay: Thank u



Regarding our relationship:

Lindsay: When am I going 2 start work
James: You're not
Lindsay: Ok no really when
James: We're hiring a midget in a dr seuss hat instead
Lindsay: Yeah ok I can totally see y
James: Jim said I could hire a second tech as soon as we get our asc codes and stuff but the people in charge of creating and assigning them keep going on vacation so I have no idea when that will be
Lindsay: R u lying to me
Lindsay: Cuz I will kill u u know
Lindsay: Kill u in ur face
Lindsay: What windows does ur comp have
Lindsay: R u getting these
James: Xp why
Lindsay: I'm trying to figure out how I can get ms silverlight on ur comp for school
James: I can put it on a usb drive and take it home with me
Lindsay: Y do that I have the website
James: Lot of good that'll do when we currently have no internet
James: And why are you trying to figure out how to get it if you have the url
Lindsay: Well I can't do school until we get internet neway so no point in having it til then
Lindsay: I was asking a chat person and they asked what operating system
Lindsay: Kiss my ass
Lindsay: Y r u being so mean
James: I'm not being mean wtf
Lindsay: Yes u r ur being a jerk
James: I apologize for my rudeness, miss. I hope you can forgive me.
James: I want you to know that I admire your ambitious spirit and I wish you a pleasant afternoon.
Lindsay: That's even worse I really want to kick ur ass right now
Lindsay: It is caylees remains they are doing a press conf
Lindsay: I'm sure death penalty will b on the table I hate casey I want to kill her
James: You have very violent tendencies and I think I should alert the authorities
Lindsay: Yeah u probably should
Lindsay: Hey me and my sis r coming in soon
James: Ok
Lindsay: I'm going back to her house on monday cause ryan is going out of town and she doesn't want to b by herself so I'm staying with her I'm not sure if ill be home tonite or not I have a lot of crap going on
Lindsay: But I wanted u to know
James: What crap do you have going on
Lindsay: And I want to say something about me and u. U are like one of my best friends james and I love u so much but I don't want to be in a relationship with ne one right now and I don't want to do that with you because for one I don't want to ruin our friendship. We have a friendship a lot of people would kill for and I never want that to change. I just want you to know that I'm here as your friend and roomate of course but I don't want anything to change from that. I appreciate everything u have done 4 me. I am having another child now and it is not ur responsibility to take care of not one but 2 children that aren't even urs. I just want u to be there as my friend and support my decisions. Plkease answer me and tell me what u think. Sorry if I did anything to hurt u.
James: Um I will read this book when I'm not busy
Lindsay: Ok do u still have customers or r u avoiding this conversation
James: Hold please
Lindsay: Ok well we will b there soon
James: What the **** are you talking about
James: Are your hormones going nuts or something
Lindsay: **** u nevermind then if ur going to be like that
James: I never said anything about wanting a relationship. I haven't even thought of you that way since you got knocked up so I really don't know what brought all that on
Lindsay: U said u wanted to be with me if me and gary broke up
James: I said I wouldn't let you move in with me unless you and gary broke up
Lindsay: Well I remember u saying u wanted to be with me
James: That was two months ago and I was drunk and on xanax
Lindsay: Oh well that's nice thanks james
James: Yeah I'm really not sure what you want me to say
Lindsay: Nothing forget it we will be there in 10 mins
James: Lindsay, I'm lost without you. You brighten my dull life with your radiant smile. I can't imagine going a single day without waking up next to you. Will you marry me?
Lindsay: Shut the **** up I'm almost there and I'm going to kill u
James: Is that a yes?
Lindsay: Yes just so I can divorce u and take half ur stuff
Lindsay: I just wanted to know if our friendship was important enuff to u where u wouldn't walk away just because u didn't get ur way
Lindsay: But u think everything is a joke
James: So do you
Lindsay: Yes but I'm serious and ur being a prick
James: Bitch you knew I was a snake
Lindsay: I don't know what that means but we r pulling in now and I have my knife so yeah



Teabagging:

Lindsay: Have u seen 8 girls no cup
James: No
Lindsay: Well u should
James: K
Lindsay: Watch it right now I'm sure u can find it
James: No
Lindsay: Do it u pussy
James: Busy
Lindsay: No ur not or u wouldn't be answering me
Lindsay: Get one of ur coworkers with it
Lindsay: Oh now ur not talking cause ur pretending to be busy
Lindsay: I bet if I come down there u will be sleeping
Lindsay: I'm going to teabag u with my labia
Lindsay: And draw a penis on ur face
Lindsay: Do u think I could put a sharpie in my vagina and draw a penis on ur face with it
Lindsay: Wow I seriously want 2 try that now
Lindsay: What r u doing I know ur not really busy
Lindsay: James tyrell u answer me right now
Lindsay: I'm about 2 come down there
Lindsay: I'm going to practice my vagina art skills on ur face
Lindsay: What do u think ur boss would do if he came in and saw that
Lindsay: I think he would hire me
Lindsay: And I'm going to break ur legs if u don't start talking right now
Lindsay: Then u will be in a wheel chair and u will be easier to teabag
Lindsay: U can try 2 roll away but ill be wearing roller skates so ill just roll with u
Lindsay: Omg that would be amazing to watch can we please do this and get it on video
Lindsay: File: voicenote.amr (9 KB)
Lindsay: Did u listen to it
Lindsay: File: voicenote.amr (12 KB)
Lindsay: Stop sending me to ****ing voicemail
James: What the **** do you want
Lindsay: Nothing I hate u



Call tones:

Lindsay: Hey how do I get call tones
James: You don't
Lindsay: Shut up just tell me
James: Can't get them with a blackberry
Lindsay: Oh that's awesome I ****ing hate my life
Lindsay: Ur probably lying I'm gonna call
James: K let me know how that goes
Lindsay: I will ****face
Lindsay: Do I have a window based phone
James: No
Lindsay: Ok and I don't have an iden or rim so I should be able to have a call tone so in ur ****ing face james
James: It is rim dumbass
Lindsay: What the ****
Lindsay: I don't want this phone nemore I want a new one
James: K gl with that
Lindsay: Ok give me ur old 902 ill give u my bb
James: Why would I want your stupid blackberry it can't even get call tones
Lindsay: Shut the f up
Lindsay: I want the diamond 3.2 mp camera
James: That's a windows phone
Lindsay: No it's not ****er shut up
James: You're an idiot
Lindsay: Well if I had it I wouldn't care about call tones
Lindsay: Don't call me an idiot ill ****ing slit ur throat when ur sleeping
James: So you're going to spend what little money you have on an expensive phone at retail price just because it has a slightly better camera
Lindsay: Yes
James: So you're moving out then
Lindsay: What no
James: Your unemployment barely covers your share of the rent, food, electric etc so if you buy a phone you won't be able to pay that
James: So you're telling me I need to kick your ass out and find a new roommate
Lindsay: No I'm not buying it right now
Lindsay: Stop yelling at me y do u hate me
Lindsay: I cook for u I let u play with my boobs I do ur laundry I sing for u u won't kick me out
James: Yes I will
Lindsay: Think u can kick me out of the band
Lindsay: Well u think u will be just fine without me but ur MINE
Lindsay: How can u kick me out of what is MIIIINE!!!
Lindsay: Lol school of rock have u seen that
James: No
Lindsay: Well then
Lindsay: Ur a faggot
James: I'm going to put all your stuff outside and burn everything you love
Lindsay: Well u would have to burn urself
James: Maybe I will
Lindsay: Just kidding I ****ing hate u
James: Oh
Lindsay: But u should still burn urself
Lindsay: Maybe ill pee on u to put it out
James: Wouldn't be the first time
Lindsay: Yeah sorry about that



To be continued, I'm sure.

[Deg™]

Lindsay: And I will need some new clothes for when I start getting fat

Should have responded with "what do you mean when?"

[Calaspawn]

Those logs are good. Can't wait for more :D

[JeweyK]

Lindsay: I'm going to teabag u with my labia
Lindsay: And draw a penis on ur face
Lindsay: Do u think I could put a sharpie in my vagina and draw a penis on ur face with it
Lindsay: Wow I seriously want 2 try that now
Lindsay: What r u doing I know ur not really busy

Pics?

[MiCrOz]

Can't really tell if you actually wanna be with this chick or not, but either way,


But yeah, I had a close female friend like that. Now, we never talk. Goodluck.

[Gore]

Sandman, you are my idol. I aspire to be like you. Will you marry me?

Ohwait, ****ing prop 8. Will you commit to a domestic partnership with me?

[Sight]

Lol funny stuff sandman.

Lindsay: But u should still burn urself
Lindsay: Maybe ill pee on u to put it out
James: Wouldn't be the first time
Lindsay: Yeah sorry about that

[FlamingAsterix]

Excellent conversations as per usual Sandman. Hilarious.

[XxMolag BalxX]

****ing epic made me LOL the whole time I was reading that

Edit: that made my day!

[Indefinite]

Can't really tell if you actually wanna be with this chick or not, but either way,


But yeah, I had a close female friend like that. Now, we never talk. Goodluck.

[howardmeis]

Lol funny **** man!

[Squid]

lol normally I don't read long **** like that, but it was pretty entertaining.

[kds]

definitely worth reading the WHOLE thing

[BD-ICY]

LO ****ING L.

[Mr.CoolFace]

Anything sandman has ever wrote is worth reading the WHOLE thing.

[707]

sandman never fails to make me laugh, good **** bro.

[Otaku]

ROFL. sandman.

[sd333221]

Nice, moar

[Sandman]

Can't really tell if you actually wanna be with this chick or not

I could probably write a book on that but the short answer is no, I don't. We've had sex (my first menage a trois was with her and the girl I was seeing on my birthday this year) and up until she was pregnant I could get her to do whatever I wanted, but I don't want to be tied down to her, especially not now. Had more than one chance at that and turned it down, but she wouldn't leave me alone and now I keep her around because she pays half the rent, she cooks and she adds an interesting dynamic to my life.

I will probably have another one to add tomorrow.

edit:
Just so this post has something worth reading, here's how I hooked up with the other girl that was involved with my menage a trois.

From: Angel
Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 12:19 PM
To: James
Subject:
I hate dickweeds!!


From: James
To: Angel
Sent: Wed May 21 13:30:22 2008
Subject: RE:
That is very hurtful. All this hate is tearing me up inside. In fact, my lower intestines have moved lower and my higher intestines climbed up my throat during an extended yawn while Steve was talking earlier and exited for parts unknown, leaving me with a hollow feeling inside. I have decided to turn over a new leaf and become a loving and caring individual, with open arms, good words and warm feelings extended toward all my co-workers.

I love you, man.


From: Angel
Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 1:32 PM
To: James
Subject: Re:
I wasn't calling u a dickweed, (jake)


From: James
To: Angel
Sent: Wed May 21 13:35:10 2008
Subject: RE:
Well then, I humbly apologize for the misunderstanding. Please have a pleasant and wonderful day!


From: Angel
Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 1:42 PM
To: James
Subject: Re:
Ur being too nice.. I don't like it!


From: James
To: Angel
Sent: Wed May 21 13:43:30 2008
Subject: RE:
I apologize if I am coming off too strong with my untamed niceness and I hope you can forgive me.


From: Angel
Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 1:45 PM
To: James
Subject: Re:
Assmuncher


From: James
To: Angel
Sent: Wed May 21 14:02:12 2008
Subject: RE:
I probably deserve that. I apologize for being an assmuncher and thank you for reminding me that I am an assmuncher. Also, if you require my assmunching services I'd be happy to comply.


From: James
Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 2:29 PM
To: Angel
Subject: let's get together tonight
A bunch of the guys and I are getting together tonight to read The Last of the Mohicans. Care to join us?


From: Angel
Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 2:31 PM
To: James
Subject: RE: let's get together tonight
Umm.. Is that a joke or are you serious?


From: James
Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 2:37 PM
To: Angel Murphy
Subject: RE: let's get together tonight
I'm very serious about reading, but I don't do it very well, hence the group project.


From: Angel
Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 2:40 PM
To: James
Subject: RE: let's get together tonight
I love to read! What time?


From: James
Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2008 2:51 PM
To: Angel Murphy
Subject: RE: let's get together tonight
We typically start our group reading during the Witching Hour.



And the next day I guilted her about not showing up, so she agreed to come over that night. I got her drunk on Sebor and that was that.

[XxMolag BalxX]

Very nice! Another wonderful read. You will need to write an biography about ur life I would Definitly read it.