Writing a book Feedback??

[CrazyGerbilEater]

Ive been working on making a book for a month or so, and ive finally created a world and basic story outline. This book will have a medival technology background, along with magic(though im trying to describe the magic in my book differently than other books, in a couple days ill put all this info on my website)

I however want to see how catching the very beggining is, or if i should change it somehow to make it more appealling or interesting.

Any feedback is appretiated.

I start the book out with a basic discription of the earth, heavens, and hell(3 seperate dimensions, heaven and hell containing elemental beings who hate each other, with earth dividing them). And also a small discription of what might possibly be an event farther in the story.(this part needing a bit more editing by myself)

And then I start my story with a strange event, which i put right below

Tall golden grass farther than any eye could see. Ripples and waves play through it as though it were water. An enormous all consuming blue sky, utterly empty. A wind comes, turning and twisting into a cyclone. It however stays in place ripping grass and dirt from the earth and tossing it around. Lightning begins to streak from the clear sky, and huge dark clouds begin to appear at the edges of the sky, slowly closing the distance. Faster and faster it comes turning until the entire sky disappears behind the dark veil. The clouds directly above the tornado start spiraling downwards and are sucked down into the vortex, and then into a ball far above the ground. Lightning strikes the ball, faster and faster from all around. A hole appears widening as the lighting strikes faster, hitting the sides of the hole, being absorbed into the rift. Suddenly a figure falls through the hole, landing limp upon the ground. And just as suddenly as the hole appeared, it vanishes, along with the cyclone and the lightning. The clouds quickly disperse, until finally all is as it was.

I then add a ~ to seperate it and begin the story again only in another part of the world, this time describing a leader of a small country planning to repel the soon to be invasion of another much larger one.

Eventually i plan to return to the kid(as we find out is a boy with memory loss), who is picked up by a party of traveling monks returning a pilgramige into a large land area which is basicaly a quarter of the continent covered in flat grassy plains, which lacks any form of government. We then return to the invasion, battles, elementals and demons appear, boy reaches coalition of countries fighting, more demons and elementals, a few battles, a quest w/ the kid and some other characters, a few small battles, an end to the quest, some weird twist after the quest, and then i end the book and start on the next one.


that is what i have so far written, but most of it needs serious editing from myself, but before i continue i wanted to receive some feedback on whether it sounds interesting, or if i should change what i have so far, or cool ideas to include into my story.

[Noober]

The monk part sounds kind of cliche, but that's probably because I just read Lost Horizon in English...

[CrazyGerbilEater]

i can change the part with the monks, but i need some group of people to pick the kid up and get him to the warzone lol

i was thinking warrior monks, but im open to ideas

[Gore]

It sucks.

[CrazyGerbilEater]

better than yours, now never reply here again(STOP STALKING ME)

[Gore]

If I were to write a book about my gay adventures, it'd be far better than your silly little story that was obviously created by someone with the mental capacity of a third grader.

[p00onu]

I just made it 50 times better.

Tall golden grass farther than any eye could see. Ripples and waves play through it as though it were water. An enormous all consuming blue sky, normally yellow. The buzz of the neon strip club signs is all that could be heard. A wind comes, turning and twisting into a cyclone. It however stays in place ripping grass and dirt from the earth and tossing it around. Bitches begins to streak from the clear sky, and huge dark hoes begin to appear at the edges of the sky, slowly closing the distance to the bitches. Faster and faster it comes turning until the entire sky disappears behind the dark veil of tits and buns. The clouds directly above the tornado start spiraling downwards and are sucked down into the vortex, and then into a ball far above the ground. Bitches strike the ball, faster and faster from all around. A hole appears widening as the Bitches strike faster, hitting the sides of the hole, being absorbed into the rift. Suddenly a figure falls through the hole, landing limp, as if it were ctark's cock, upon the ground. And just as suddenly as the hole appeared, it vanishes, along with the cyclone and the Bitches. The hoes quickly disperse, until finally all is as it was.

Eventually i plan to return to the kid(as we find out is a boy with down syndrome), who is picked up by a party of traveling college students returning from a pilgramige for beer into a large land area which is basicaly a quarter of the continent covered in flat grassy plains and strip clubs, which lacks any form of government. We then return to the invasion, battles, bitches and hoes appear, boy reaches coalition of countries fighting for their right to party, more bitches and hoes, a few battles, a quest w/ the kid and some other characters to get laid, a few small battles, an end to the quest, some weird twist after the quest (condom broke and now the bitch wants child support), and then i end the book and start on the next one which will be about the great custody battle of Nordok.

[Perma]

I enjoy not butchering the English language and am an avid creative writer myself. In my opinion...

It sucks.

[CrazyGerbilEater]

any particular reason

[LCSBSSRHXXX]

He just explained his reason.

I enjoy not butchering the English language and am an avid creative writer myself. In my opinion...

[Bilago]

i didn't like it either, it was very choppy and i didn't get a great visual from your description. Just don't rush it as fast as you did, take your time and find the best words to describe what you invision.

[Gore]

I'd prefer it if you stop writing altogether. This 'book' nearly made my eyes bleed.

[p00onu]

I'd prefer it if you stop writing altogether. This 'book' nearly made my eyes bleed.

What about my version?

[Gore]

What about my version?

I masturbated to that.

[Cantinflas]

At the end or the front of the book write. " Thanks bwhacks, for all your support." ok?
I actually think I'd buy a book written like that poon

[Sight]

I'd prefer it if you stop writing altogether. This 'book' nearly made my eyes bleed.

If it hurts your eyes why are you so attracted to this topic?

[Gore]

I don't have to read the horrid thing to post in the topic.

[Pete_Zahut]

sounds pretty much like your whole book which is like half a page

it sucks